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Do for Themselves

Posted by on Aug 13, 2009 in Motherhood | 6 comments

As my children have gotten older, I’ve been surprised at how difficult it is for me to follow one of the golden rules of parenting:  don’t do for them what they can do for themselves.

It’s not that I don’t want them to learn responsibility, I just have the hardest time letting them deal with the consequences of their own follow-through.  Or more precisely, their lack thereof.

For example, all of our children make their own school lunches, because of course they’re old enough to do it for themselves.  BUT, I am famous for asking them once we’re in the car “Did you remember to bring a lunch?”  And of course, when the answer is a startled, “Oh no!,” who hops out of the car but me to go and remedy the problem lickety-split?

No one wants to think of their child hungry and uncomfortable during the school day, so on one hand it seems like a nice thing I’m doing.  But sometimes I wonder if an empty stomach would be a better reminder than Mom about the importance of packing a lunch.

I need to be better about letting them do for themselves, and then deal with the consequences.

This has been heavy on my mind this week as my daughters have been at a church girl’s camp.  A week in the ugly summer heat of Houston – it’s been killing me to think of how uncomfortable they might be.   They were given a detailed list of what to bring, and as they were packing, it was all I could do to not supervise, hover, remind, advise.  I suppressed all desires to double-check, and I didn’t once ask them if they had this-or-that.  All week I’ve been hoping, though, that they remembered to pack the bug spray, that the shoes they chose to bring aren’t giving them blisters, that if they did forget something they’re being savvy enough to do without or are asking for help from a fellow camper.

As we head into a new school year and as there will be more chances for them to exercise responsibility, I’m going to continue practicing the process of letting them grow.  They’re old enough to know what is expected, old enough to know how to accomplish their goals, old enough to sit hungry during the school day if they forget to pack a lunch.  Now I just need to be brave enough to let them do it.

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  • http://orrcorner.blogspot.com Heather O

    I get the whole lunch thing. My kids have to pack and take their lunch every day. Bobby has said, if they forget, they can go without. The only problem with that, is that the third grader will charge a lunch not realizing I’m the one who has to foot the bill for his mistake. GRRR!

  • http://orrcorner.blogspot.com Heather O

    I get the whole lunch thing. My kids have to pack and take their lunch every day. Bobby has said, if they forget, they can go without. The only problem with that, is that the third grader will charge a lunch not realizing I’m the one who has to foot the bill for his mistake. GRRR!

  • http://www.littlewoolgatherings.blogspot.com Lis Garrett

    I think it depends on the child, too, to what extent they can be held accountable, as well as the situation at hand. My then 9-yr-old daughter had been having trouble in math at the beginning of 4th grade, and so we were on the ball making sure she had her homework done each night. After a few months, I began to relax a little and take her word for it that she had completed her homework and turned it in. Lo and behold, I received a call from the teacher a few weeks later telling me my daughter was not completing and handing in her work again. While some kids her age can do homework with little or no prompting, mine is not one of them. I’m not willing to let her suffer the consequences of bad grades and falling behind just to teach her a lesson.

    However, my daughter wanted to have a slumber party with all her friends last weekend. I told her that she could invite four friends and that she was responsible for calling them all. I gave her a few reminders over the course of a week, but she waited until the very last minute anyway to call, and only one of her friends was able to come after all.

  • http://www.littlewoolgatherings.blogspot.com Lis Garrett

    I think it depends on the child, too, to what extent they can be held accountable, as well as the situation at hand. My then 9-yr-old daughter had been having trouble in math at the beginning of 4th grade, and so we were on the ball making sure she had her homework done each night. After a few months, I began to relax a little and take her word for it that she had completed her homework and turned it in. Lo and behold, I received a call from the teacher a few weeks later telling me my daughter was not completing and handing in her work again. While some kids her age can do homework with little or no prompting, mine is not one of them. I’m not willing to let her suffer the consequences of bad grades and falling behind just to teach her a lesson.

    However, my daughter wanted to have a slumber party with all her friends last weekend. I told her that she could invite four friends and that she was responsible for calling them all. I gave her a few reminders over the course of a week, but she waited until the very last minute anyway to call, and only one of her friends was able to come after all.

  • http://www.justboysbedding.com Karen

    It is so very hard to let our children learn from their lack of follow through or failure to anticipate what they might need. We all know they never will if we don’t let them feel a little pain. Certainly, we suffered some too. Maybe, if we lag behind a little and just watch a bit before leaping to their rescue they may begin to figure things out on their own. I am not suggesting that if their is a major problem you sit back, but just the little day to day “fixes” kids can get themselves into without trying, it seems. Helping them to own up to and accept responsibility for their own decisions is part of our job, albeit, sometimes a difficult part.

  • http://www.justboysbedding.com Karen

    It is so very hard to let our children learn from their lack of follow through or failure to anticipate what they might need. We all know they never will if we don’t let them feel a little pain. Certainly, we suffered some too. Maybe, if we lag behind a little and just watch a bit before leaping to their rescue they may begin to figure things out on their own. I am not suggesting that if their is a major problem you sit back, but just the little day to day “fixes” kids can get themselves into without trying, it seems. Helping them to own up to and accept responsibility for their own decisions is part of our job, albeit, sometimes a difficult part.

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