• I am unloving, cold, stingy, withholding of emotion, a miser with my Self.
• I can’t handle responsibility, I fold, I fail, I make bad decisions.
• I’m a mess.
• I am an outsider, I do not belong.
• I am not worth listening to.
• I am broken, corrupt, not worthy.

These are the things I really, truly, as a regular default, believe about myself.

If this surprises you at all, maybe it’s because I’ve become good at what researcher & author Brené Brown calls “hustling for my worthiness.” I do this, I do that, I do my song and dance. I collect recognitions and accolades and have difficulty forcing myself to feel the full weight and meaning of them because I’m so hungry to hustle to the next semblance of worthiness, of approval, of acceptance.

Brown says:

“When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.” (p 23, The Gifts of Imperfection)

Performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving. I’ve been doing that my whole life.

And I’ve been standing outside of my story and hustling for my worthiness for a long, very long, time.

I always thought my feelings of unworthiness, my constant tape of negative self-talk, were symptoms of my depression, something I have struggled with since my teenage years and have taken medication for in the past.

After reading Brené Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection these past few days, I’m beginning to understand that my depression is a result of these feelings of unworthiness and negative self-talk.

And where do these feelings of unworthiness and negative self-thoughts come from?

Shame.

Brown explains that shame comes from several places outside of us – parents, teachers, peer groups, within organizations, as part of the media or as part of our culture at large. Shame is used to correct behavior, command control, compel one to conform. It’s used to get immediate, desired results. And sadly, it’s used to sell products or lifestyles, persuade opinions, garner votes.

In my case, I also feel as if shame has come from inside of me. Being prone to shame, with the groundwork already established that I am not worthy, I often generate and perpetuate shame with no outside help whatsoever.

I have many examples in my life of shame happening to me and happening inside of me. So much so that it really has become the default setting for my life.

It is never “I did something bad” (what Brown explains as “guilt”), but “I am bad” (how shame differentiates itself).

Everything in my everyday life seems to testify of it. The dishes on the counter = You’re so lazy you can’t even keep the kitchen clean. The phone call I didn’t return = You’re such a jerk you can’t even bother to call that person back. The form I forgot to sign = You’re such a mess you can’t keep anything straight.

It’s never just about the dishes or the phone call or the permission slip. My default turns everything back on me, confirming my basic shameful belief that I am broken, a mess, unworthy.

How do you combat shame?

Brown gives three clear, distinct strategies for developing what she calls “shame resiliance:”

• courage – not heroic courage, but the “ordinary courage” to tell our stories, to live in our vulnerabilities, to be seen – deeply seen
• compassion – to practice daily kindness with ourselves, to understand that “we are all made of strength and struggle”
• connection – we must reach out to others, either in exposing our own shame or helping others to identify and combat their own

Brown presents all of her research and the guideposts for what she calls “wholehearted living” in a concise, unsentimental way. Despite discussing such powerful emotions, she never descends into the arena of warm, fuzzy, self-help psycho-babble. Hers is a dissection of the human condition, and real, qualitative ways for improving one’s life.

I mentioned to a friend online yesterday that I think Brene Brown’s research and books are saving my life. It may sound melodramatic, but it’s true.

I have been in a deep depression for several months, despite employing what I felt were useful tactics and strategies to deal with it, and despite the ever-present love and support of my family.

Still, it wasn’t until reading The Gifts of Imperfection – and consequently finding Brown’s blog, ordering her other book, finding interviews, podcasts, and videos of her online – that I was finally able to understand the anatomy and origin of my depression, and trace it back to shame. An emotion – though complex and longing to fester in silence – I have every hope and belief that I can fight.

For the first time in an interminably long time, I feel hopeful, I feel empowered.

I do not feel broken.

I feel worthy.

*Disclosure: Amazon affiliate links used.

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No More Room for Shame is original, copywritten content (unless otherwise indicated) by Stacey Nerdin for her blog Tree, Root, and Twig. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.

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But…wait a minute!

If this is my Week 4 report, what happened to weeks 2 & 3?

Well, as I reported in my Week 2 Goals on my Fat Woman at the Gym blog, my intention was to stop eating after 9pm and to keep increasing my physical activity. This was in addition to my week 1 goal of not eating fast food at any time, for any reason.

I’ve continued to do well with not eating fast food, or at least with cutting down on it. I’ve only eaten fast food twice in the last four weeks. Considering I had gotten into the habit of stopping every-other day, for a meal, a drink, a treat, whatever, this is good for me!

No eating after 9pm has been significantly harder. I’ve done better than I expected, but when I stay up until midnight-2am every night, not eating after 9pm leaves me…well…hungry. I’ve decided perhaps it’s more about moderation and food choices rather than not doing it AT ALL. I’m still fine-tuning this goal left over from week 2.

As for increased physical activity? I’m sloooooowly getting there. I overcame the most difficult obstacle which was to reinstate my membership at the YMCA and start bringing the kids in with me. We went twice last week. I plan to go in three times this week. Again, I’m getting there.

So that’s weeks 1 and 2. Week 3?

Didn’t happen. Just. didn’t. happen.

I can’t even explain it or give you a compelling excuse. I just hit the pause button, and while I didn’t go totally off the wagon, I moved some of that focus on to other things.

Week 4? Has been marginally better.

My nutrition goal for Week 4 was to keep a consistent food journal, which I did. I’ve heard from countless experts and those with weight loss success stories that a food journal is vital to losing weight. I’m more annoyed by the process of it than I like to admit, but I’ve been consistent and disciplined, and will continue to do so.

My physical activity goal for Week 4 (which I’ve already mentioned) was to get everything squared away at the YMCA and start going back. The kids and I went twice last week. It makes it a bit more enjoyable that my three teen girls can come in with me to work out, too! Now that there are fewer barriers to getting to the gym, and more incentive to go because I have company, I’m hoping to be there more often.

I’m looking ahead now at Week 5 and sharing my goals on my Fat Woman at the Gym blog. Why don’t you come over and see what’s in store for me in the week ahead!

*Disclosure: As a Spokeswoman for the BetterU program, I am receiving some complimentary health services in addition to using the free 12-week BetterU program online. I am being given no monetary compensation for my participation. I have not been given specific instructions to post on my experiences, but I want to share in case it might help anyone else out there making health changes, as well. All opinions expressed are honest and my own.

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BetterU Program: Week 4 Report is original, copywritten content (unless otherwise indicated) by Stacey Nerdin for her blog Tree, Root, and Twig. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.

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Week 1 was all about starting to make key changes in two areas: physical activity and healthy eating. Let’s just say I did better with one than the other!

My goal for healthy eating was simple: NO FAST FOOD. Not for any meal, not for any reason.

It has become almost shocking how often I stop at fast food drive-thrus. It’s not always for a meal, either – sometimes it’s just for a soda or an ice cream or a quick snack from the value menu. There are two main reasons I have fallen in this bad habit: I either don’t have any groceries at home to eat, or I’m out and about so much and have not planned for my hunger accordingly.

Identifying the reasons for my unhealthy fast-food eating habits really helped me prepare for success this past week. I made sure to shop on Monday and have plenty of healthy snacks and meal prep items on hand so I would not be tempted to eat out. And I always made sure to eat before I left for errands, and at times even had healthy snacks with me while I was out, so again, I would not be tempted to stop.

I was completely successful with eating NO FAST FOOD this week, and I noticed two unexpected benefits – not only did I keep from consuming that unhealthy food, but 1) my car has been so much cleaner because of no fast-food garbage! and 2) I’ve saved a lot of money by not hitting the drive-thru! This is a goal I plan to stick with – perhaps with a *few* exceptions here and there – from now on.

Now, as for physical activity…I was not so successful with my goal of working out three times last week. In fact, I only did *one* of my proposed workouts. I’m finding that I need to work harder at really setting aside that time and dedicating myself to fitness (instead of the 100 other things I think I should be doing). The key for me will be finding something that is fun and convenient, otherwise, I won’t be nearly as motivated. I’ll be thinking this through a lot for Week 2.

In terms of BetterU program support this week, I visited Memorial Hermann Hopital’s Wellness Center and had my Know Your Numbers Screening done. It may sound big and fancy, but actually, all they did was draw one vial of blood. I understand that they will be screening for a number of things, including cholesterol, and I will update you with that information in a subsequent post.

As for Week 2, visit my revived health blog, Fat Woman at the Gym, to see what I have planned and what I’m learning.

And don’t forget – you can receive tips, news, and resources for your own health makeover at the online 12-week BetterU program website, too!

*Disclosure: As a Spokeswoman for the BetterU program, I am receiving some complimentary health services in addition to using the free 12-week BetterU program online. I am being given no monetary compensation for my participation. I have not been given specific instructions to post on my experiences, but I want to share in case it might help anyone else out there making health changes, as well. All opinions expressed are honest and my own.

BetterU Program: Week 1 Report is original, copywritten content (unless otherwise indicated) by Stacey Nerdin for her blog Tree, Root, and Twig. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.

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Yesterday I went in for my “Know Your Numbers” health screening as part of my participation in the BetterU program. As part of the appointment, I had to fill out a 7-page questionnaire. I’m no stranger to paperwork from a doctor’s office – I’ve had five children with five different doctors – I’m pretty used to answering all sorts of questions about my health history.

But this form included questions I hadn’t seen or noticed before, including any signs of menopause and whether or not I’m currently using bioidentical hormones.

At first, I chuckled at the questions. Me? I’m only 37! In fact, at the conference I attend last weekend, I had at least a dozen people guess that I was in my early-to-mid 20′s! Issues with menopause and/or the need for hormone replacement seem light years away.

And then I remembered – I used to have perfect far-sighted vision until I was 28. Now I need glasses or I get headaches. I was free from daily medication until a few years ago, when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure. Now if I don’t take my meds, my joints swell and ache, I feel run-down and tired, and I worry about how hard my heart is having to work. My skin used to be smooth, now I have to moisturize every day or I feel like a lizard.

Our bodies change the rules on us as we age. It may not be fair, but that’s the way it goes.

Yes, I may only be 37, but time is marching on, and I need to start thinking about and preparing for changes that may be just around the corner. Which reminds me, it’s also time to schedule my first mammogram. {sigh}

*Note: my friend Sarah – who is also 37 – wrote a great post about her experience with using a natural progesterone spray to manage some symptoms she’s been having. I thought it was a great post, and I’m so glad she shared!

*Disclosure: this post has been sponsored by BodyLogicMD as part of a conversation about women’s health. All opinions expressed are honest and my own. If you feel so inclined, I would love to have you share in the comment section any of the changes you’ve been experiencing – it sometimes helps to talk about it with other women!

When Your Body Changes the Rules on You is original, copywritten content (unless otherwise indicated) by Stacey Nerdin for her blog Tree, Root, and Twig. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.

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As a spokeswoman, I will receive free health screenings, one-on-one nutrition consultations, a grocery shopping trip with a registered dietitian, boot camp training, access to the Memorial Hermann Wellness Center and a spa package from a local spa. I will be chronicling each week of the 12-week program, both here and on my sadly neglected (buy happy to have a reason to be revived!) blog, Fat Woman at the Gym.

I applied for the program because heart health hits very close to home. I have a family history of heart disease, and I myself take daily medication for high blood pressure, which I was diagnosed with over two years ago. I have struggled to find and maintain a health regimen in the past, and can now be identified as morbidly obese. (no, I’m not kidding. morbidly. obese. my doctor says so.)

I feel very strongly that having this help will turn things around. Turn my life around. And I hope you’ll join me – in more ways than one!

Not only would I love you to follow my progress online, but YOU CAN JOIN THE BETTERU PROGRAM AT HOME! The 12-week online program helps you set goals, gives you a wealth of tips and information, provides a place to journal your progress and experiences, and gives you step-by-step guidance towards achieving your own health makeover. I hope you will take a look and sign up – it’s an awesome resource and coaching tool.

Stay tuned – here and at Fat Woman at the Gym – for news and updates, and maybe even some embarrassing “before” and “during” pictures as I get going on a better me with BetterU!

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I’m Beginning the BetterU Program, and You Can, Too! is original, copywritten content (unless otherwise indicated) by Stacey Nerdin for her blog Tree, Root, and Twig. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.

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