artwork from the children's book "Alexander and Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" by Judith Viorst

During a fabulous talk at church on Mother’s Day, a speaker told us this humorous – and ohsotrue – quote:

“The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint.”   – James Fenton

This weekend will be my lullaby – hopefully transforming the mood that has oppressed me this week into something much lighter and brighter.  I’m awfully tired of being an ogre.

This Weekend Is My Lullaby is original, copywritten content (unless otherwise indicated) by Stacey Nerdin for her blog Tree, Root, and Twig. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.

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It got me to thinking that (a) I’m glad I dusted off the mp3 and brought it, (b) now I need to dust off my tennis shoes and get back to working out, and (c) maybe now that the Spring-ish weather is here, others are looking for good workout tunes themselves.

I think I’ve posted about my workout playlist before, but not with these nifty audio clips to help you pick what might work for you, too.  A few of the songs might not seem to fit – “If I Had $1,000,000″ for instance doesn’t have a particularly fast tempo – but I also like to include songs that either make me smile or feel lighter in addition to the songs that make me want to kick the elliptical’s hiney.  So have a listen, and come back and thank me if you burn a few extra calories by using one of the songs!

4253EVHEHHWE

Great Songs for a Workout Playlist is original, copywritten content (unless otherwise indicated) by Stacey Nerdin for her blog Tree, Root, and Twig. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.

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I didn’t mean to imply that being a mother, and experiencing all the stresses that come with it, has caused my depression.  I struggled with what I think now were symptoms of depression and anxiety even as a teen.  I was practically an insomniac through my adolescence, having a terrible time achieving the mental peace required to sleep.  I was paralyzed by (and still struggle with) a phobia of driving, writing long journal passages about how I was sure I was going to hurt someone someday by a mistake I might make in a car.  For a while I saw the high school psychologist on campus to deal with my emotions over a friend who suffered from her own disease.

I think I’ve always had to work on keeping my perspective in check; I feel like I’ve always been prone to creating great spiderwebs of personal suffering out of one feeling of sadness or worry.  Whether it’s physiological or whether it’s just personality – I feel like my mental filter doesn’t quite work like most people’s do.  Everything gets clogged, builds up, and I’m left mucking about in a huge mess.

Motherhood figures into it by just providing more opportunities to trip over myself.  When you talk to a doctor about depression, they ask you if you’ve had feelings of guilt, unworthiness, sadness, hopelessness, etc.  Motherhood is RIFE with struggles in which you feel one or all of those things, even if you’ve never been depressed a day in your life.  But inject them into a brain that is already working overtime to see the rays on a sunny day, and, well, you get someone like me.  For every child I’ve had, for every layer of love and labor, for all the life experiences I’ve enjoyed and endured, it adds up, builds up, and I come to points where I need some help.

I just didn’t want anyone to think that (a) motherhood will inevitably make you crazy (though I might say otherwise on the days my 2yo won’t nap!) or (b) you can’t struggle if you don’t have a hundred responsibilities.  Everyone is different, everyone has their different degrees or breaking points in terms of depression (and even with one person, those degrees and breaking points fluctuate). 

I once had a therapist – not a very good therapist – tell me she couldn’t believe I was depressed because I didn’t look like the kind of person who sat in the corner and cried all day.  Once I got past the urge to smack her (I just thought it was incredibly dense of her to say that!), I thought to myself, “No, I’m not the kind of person to sit in a corner and cry all day.  But I’m also not the kind of person who can’t admit when I need help.”  One kid, five kids, no kids – mother, married, single, whatever – there’s no “picture” of depression.  But I do appreciate being able to share my one snapshot of it.

To Clarify Yesterday’s Post on Depression is original, copywritten content (unless otherwise indicated) by Stacey Nerdin for her blog Tree, Root, and Twig. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.

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I’ve learned over the years to begin each day by carefully constructing a new reality for myself, above what my own depressed, untrue perceptions of the world provide.  Through my experiences with medication and therapy years ago, I learned the process of rewriting my internal script to be more encouraging, more realistic, more forgiving.  It used to be that I only had to “readjust” myself a few times a day.  In the last couple of years, my methods have been less reliable, and I find that every day is a constant roller coaster (I’ll spare you the ugly details).  Getting myself “right” has gotten in the way of me being able to help my kids navigate their own increasingly complex emotions, and I’m not satisfied with the half-life I’ve been living.

About a month ago I asked my doctor to prescribe me anti-depressants.  We talked through a lot of options, finally settling on Pristiq.  All I can say is that although there are some wonky side effects, it’s helping more than hurting.  My days are less mentally exhausting, and I’ve been able to rest the constant labor needed to focus and trust that the world (and my life) are much better than I would naturally believe.

Just for general information’s sake, my side effects have mainly been headaches (persistent, dull, but annoying), some nausea (not too bad), and every so often a feeling of intense restlessness.  I’ve not researched it thoroughly, but I heard through passing that Pristiq may share an element similar to ecstasy or speed.  As a girl who drinks caffeine maybe once every five years or so, I’m guessing I’m pretty sensitive to any kind of powerful stimulant.  I’m hoping that subsides over time.

I think what’s important for anyone taking anti-depressants AND for others around them to understand is that there are some things NOT included in that 30-day supply of pills:

• a nanny
• a housekeeper
• a chauffeur
• a gardener
• an accountant
• a maid
• a cook
• a tutor for the kids
• a nurse
• a mediator
• a child psychologist
• a dog walker/trainer
• a professional organizer
• an electrician
• an auto mechanic
• ….maybe you get the point.

Life is still STRESSful.  There are still so many things to be done, so many situations to negotiate.  Taking anti-depressants doesn’t mean anything goes away, it doesn’t mean you will be happy no matter what.  If someone you love has just decided to try medication, don’t put pressure on them to change overnight.  Life is still LIFE, and everyone deserves (and should expect) to be overwhelmed by it from time to time.

My own hope in beginning medication again is that I’ll be able to roll up my sleeves and deal more effectively with the life OUTSIDE my own head.  Heaven knows I’ve spent enough time inside of it.

What Is NOT Included in That Bottle of Anti-Depressants is original, copywritten content (unless otherwise indicated) by Stacey Nerdin for her blog Tree, Root, and Twig. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.

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In terms of health and exercise, August and September were a total bust.  Sick kids, sick husband, husband gone, husband here, husband gone again.  School starts, PTA heats up, prep for Type A Mom and then a week of travel.  I think I made a grand total of three workouts in two months.

October = NO MORE!  I went in last week on the 1st, determined to make this new month my new start.  It was a great workout, I did the elliptical and bike, felt great, my 2yo was a gem in the child watch.

I went back today, ready to make it at least three times this week.  But…if that’s gonna happen, I’m going to reeealllly need to get over a pretty crummy experience today.

First of all, I could not find the headphones to my mp3 (thank you, children), so the 5+ miles on the bike were silent.  Pooh.  Second, I started hurting only 2 or 3 minutes into the ride.  What the…?!  I pushed through, but not without letting out a few reflexive groans.  I actually thought I was going to cry after only 15 minutes.

I finished my dumb workout and was just glad it was over.  This was the first time I ever considered that maybe sitting at home on my laptop, ignoring the housework, would be better than being at the Y.

Good news is that my son was great again, and that is very encouraging.  As crummy as it was, at least my workout was complete – warm up, stretches, aerobic, cool-down, stretches.  One complete, unenjoyable circle.

I guess there are just going to be times where it’s not only hard, but no fun, either.  I need to deal with that.  I’ll wash my workout clothes, clear my schedule, and be prepared to go again either tomorrow or Wednesday.  Let’s just hope it doesn’t leave me feeling like such a sourpuss again!

Not All Workouts Are Created Equal is original, copywritten content (unless otherwise indicated) by Stacey Nerdin for her blog Tree, Root, and Twig. Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.

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